RICKRUCKER.COM
My classic review of The Passion of the
Christ from 5 Years Ago! 5 years? Jesus, life sucks. There's some slightly
cringe-worthy stuff, for the aged writer, here, but some of this is
hilarious. Funny is rare, if not borderline impossible, in nonfiction. There are
several bits here just categorically better than anything I'm doing now, bothers
me. But even stand-ups only get an hour a year, if they're good. So why am
I bothering with you ingrate "reader" motherfuckers? Dunno. But anyway
I was a better humorist back then, in this fucked up style.
Although maybe it's not funny to most. Like Doug Stanhope
was saying, he bewilders Scandinavian audiences, since they're actually happy.
"They understand the words, but it just sounds like a stream of hate speech to
them...it's not comedy. Like German shit videos I superficially recognize as
pornography, but I couldn't masturbate to." Writing like this also scares the
shit out of people you know, who are unfamiliar with the sheer existence
of such uh, "sentiments." It's no fun being alive, for the most
part. Oh well. It's all an act, and then it's not.
A Passionate Experience
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Take it you two-bit charlatan bitch.
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By Rick Rucker
Oh, we tried the passive resistance thing. The
intellectuals in the early twentieth century decided, looking at the available
evidence, that religion couldn't last long in the western world and would
erode elsewhere also, slowly but definetely. And then those mean old
communists and psychotic fascists started forcibly suppressing religion and
replacing it with weird state idol worship, which nobody in the liberal west
thought was necessary or advisable. "It'll die on it's own," they said. "What
kind of a moron, after receiving education and harboring a view of history,
could possibly believe those transparent lies?" Seems like you were bigger
optimists than you thought, guys.
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Turning the other cheek.
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Yeah, a funny thing happened. Religion came back--big
time. America "leads" the world after its fashion and our population is huge
on God right now. Sort of. It's a complicated relationship, and amongst
believers "beliefs" have a varying level of relevance. But even that's grounds
for getting pissed. If you really believe that God exerts a significant
measure of control over Earthly events, how for fuck's sake can you possibly
not be thinking about it all the time? If you're not raving, you're not really
religious.
But this isn't the place for me to list the thousands of logical problems with religious belief. I
wanted to share with my handful of readers my experience with the first-rate
atheist porno The Passion of the Christ. For those
who hate Jesus as much as we do, it's truly refreshing and quite erotic to see
him tortured and murdered so vividly.
Oh sure, I know his message was basically good, and
that there have existed truly selfless Christian folk who did and continue to
do wonderful things for the suffering. However considering the whole sweep of
Western history, I think Christians exemplify the notion that private ethical
and moral decisions make nary a dent on people's actual conduct, to say
nothing even of their ideology. The Christians in
this fucking country, despite the New Testament being anti-government,
anti-money and anti-authority, explicitly tie their faith to a conservative
platform that is the exact opposite of Jesus's message. Jesus fraternized with
the poor exclusively, and...
Oh I'm sorry, you bored? Did you already know that?
This getting a little tedious, is it? The Christians in this fucking country, despite the New
Testament being anti-government, anti-money and anti-authority, explicitly tie
their faith to a conservative platform that is the exact opposite of Jesus's
message. This may have something to do with dressing their self-interest up in
a traditionalist garb that pleases them while validating their kneejerk
moralism and selfish materialism.
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Blessed are the Meek.
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Anyway, fuck Jesus. His message of personal
transformation was bullshit. Some of his ideas are interesting, but in general
it's vacuous pseudophilosophy that becomes utterly meaningless when you
realize there actually is no patriarchal God and Jesus died when he died. He
had a few good zingers, but Oscar Wilde did too and he's more fun.
Christianity herself has functioned in accordance with human nature, causing
trouble and fostering factions and morally empowering killers. The gospels
were written decades after Jesus lived. If our hero even existed he was
probably a petty charlatan who duped people into following him while
performing the same two lame magic tricks in every goatherder shithole on his
itinerary, and maybe he got what he deserved.
So I hate Jesus. I hold him symbolically responsible
for everything his followers have done. If he's not a good icon to embody the
Christian ethos, who is?
Bring a Kleenex, but not for
Crying
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What Jesus would do.
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I could go on endlessly about Christianity, Islam and
every other world-obscuring shitbag of wrong-headed values and reactionary
junk that passes for meaning these day. But I'll save some material for later
columns. When inspiration fails me there is always religion to reignite the
spark of hateful creativity.
In my futile rage at a world whose fate is decided by
religious heads of state, religious business leaders and religious radicals, I
saw The Passion of the Christ. For me, the Jesus
myth was reinvented. The original idea is that Christ is tortured and killed
for the sins of the world. In my reading, Jesus is tortured and killed for the
sins he embodies. Simplistic moralism, absolute assurance, and smug ignorance
are lashed out by Roman centurions in hot slo-mo. His assumption of a godlike
position over fellow men based on nothing but fantasy is mocked righteously by
his crown of thorns. Then his frail body is pierced by a spear like one last
indication that he was nothing but a bag of cheap organs. I know why he
forsook you Jesus: he's not there. Now you are dead, and with your death your
Passion is over. The temple has split because it is a meaningless symbol, just
like you. The Rule of Law has determined your fate, like it determines ours.
Truly, this is a good movie.
I saw a keen church group at the multiplex who said
they were prepared for the worst and so had brought hankies. Unfortunately, I
was not so outfitted, and as such found myself repeatedly weeping tears of
joyful retribution straight into my delicious, buttery multiplex popcorn, now
saltier than ever. Several walkouts occurred halfway through, and I looked to
my neighbors as we shared mutual understanding--those with weak spiritual
constitutions had left. Now only the True Believers remained to witness the
Passion. I sobbed at wretchedness of humanity, eating my Skittles by the
handful, thinking of the bastards who should suffer similar tortures.
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You die too, African conception of Jesus!
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All the Christian Spaniards who wiped out the South
American empires, the Roman Catholics who obstructed the progress of science,
colonialist murderers and their "civilizing" mission, Puritans and zealots who
literally and mentally oppressed so many, the current reactionary American
Christian Right, those who convince the third-world poor of the evil of birth
control, ministers and priests who, with their moral authority, sanctioned
leaders to commit atrocities, priests who endorsed already popular ideas like
racism, sexism, slavery and homohate, those who minimize reason relative to
"faith," and the enemies of abortion who would force women to raise children
they don't want, religious leaders who encouraged so many to stifle their own
impulses out of shame, you justifiers of war and hypocrisy and ignorance, and
most of all the Christians who performed more torture, murder, and
multifarious execution than any other group in human history--four stars, die
and I hope it's more painful than you ever imagined.
Other Ideas for Great Religious
Films
Jews Wander in the Desert and
Die, or You will never see the Promised
Land
This film would detail the forty years that the Jews
wandered stupidly in the desert because they didn't have a map or something.
We would watch Moses and his crew start with optimism after evading Pharoah's
army, then settle into morbid depression as they realize the only sustenance
they can find is some substance called "manna". Since "manna" isn't very
nutritious most of the Jews contract scurvy and die painfully. We see the rage
and terror that will one day drive the Jews, "on God's orders," to kill every
man, woman and child in the areas they want to occupy. Watch as Moses murders
anyone who challenges his pitiful leadership which has gotten them lost in a
pretty small stretch of land for decades. When people rightly decide that
their "covenant" isn't working out so hot and start worshiping a golden calf
that's all about fucking and having a good time, Moses beats a bunch of them
with clubs. Expect blood, sweat and misery, as well as many shots of
scurvy-ridden Jews keeling over under the hot sun their God "created" with the
sound of his voice, specifically for them.
Muhommad Becomes a Male
Prostitute
Much like Scorcese's The Last Temptation of Christ, this film will explore
an "alternate history" where Muhommad turns away from the angel Gabriel and
becomes a wandering prostitute in female-deprived areas of Persia. Frequently
working under abusive pimps, Muhommad regrets his cowardice as he is
repeatedly penetrated anally, in shots that linger way too long on sweat and
semen. When Muhommad sees what he might have accomplished otherwise, he tries
to contact Gabriel again but finds that God is so disgusted with him that he's
decided to let the Christians conquer the world. I expect a fatwah from every
cleric in the Middle East.
Zeus is Depressed
This film will tackle the thorny subject of how Zeus
must feel since no one worships him anymore. We will feel pity as an
increasingly distraught thundergod is abandoned by his people. Turning to ice
cream, fried chicken and television to ease his woes, Zeus bitches frequently
as he watches Hercules: The Legendary Journeys,
which is a crappy show but reminds Zeus of the old days. Old gods drop by Mt.
Olympus but Zeus will not answer the door. Less confrontational than the other
films, see this one if you value emotional nuance and an indie aesthetic. Sort
of a Lost in Translation for deities.
The Buddha Parties his Ass
Off
While perhaps inscrutable to westerners ignorant of the
values of Buddhism, which advocates a "Middle Path" between hedonism and
asceticism, this film will focus on the Buddha, once wealthy and desirous of
earthly pleasures, having a great time getting laid and pissed constantly.
Assembling a hot harem and bullshitting with buddies, the Buddha mentions that
"it doesn't get any better than this." Buddha lives in the moment and receives
oral sex constantly.
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